5:03 AM - June 10, 2021
Help
I sit here and I think of how life has changed even in the last year. I was so blissfully unaware of all the turmoil within my own household and in my heart. I don't even know where to begin, it just feels like such a long and painful year. I was turned into the villain in so many peoples eyes, when if they knew the truth, not just the version they pretend is real, they would see me in a different light...maybe, I could be entirely wrong and I am properly cast in this role.
My mind wanders at times to things like trust, the future, the present and it all keeps me awake at hours I knew only when I was drinking an depressed. I don't talk to anyone, don't dare reveal how scared and alone I always feel.
It would drive a person mad, good thing I was already close by.
It doesn't feel like I live with a partner most days, it feels like I live with a girl who I always have to flirt with and always have to be on my best behavior around. It feels like the last year has been me apologizing for something I never did.
I get scared thinking about the future. She changes her mind like normal people change underwear. One minute it is making chocolate, the next it is voice acting, which I support everything she wants to do, but it scares me that maybe I am just as disposable as one of those ideas. The newest one is her talking about getting her tattoo updated, just redrawn, not adding the other heart for me like she talked so much about only two years ago.
I honestly feel like sometimes I'm living with a stranger.
I don't know if she still talks to Matt, she says she doesn't and I'd like to believe her, but I also never thought I'd find out she was sexting and planning to leave me for him.
It still makes me sick and I honestly don't know how to deal with it.
